* trigger warning: contains information about body dysmorphic disorder
As someone who has been battling bulimia and body dysmorphia for many years I am struggling to answer. Yet, blogging about fashion and sharing outfits has always been at the back of my mind. I have never had the courage, or should I say I have never felt comfortable enough to publish a full body shot. I know it's not meant to be a heroic thing to do, nevertheless, I have been fearing to do so.
Yesterday I felt at the lowest about my body I have felt in weeks. Usually I'm distracted by work but when you're on holidays things can get tough. I've gone back to comfort eating and would refuse to get dressed. It's a horrible cycle to deal with but unless you experience anything similar you'll know how difficult it is break from it.
I knew I needed to go out. So at about midday I showered, put make up on, put a dress on and went on a walk. Then I handed the camera over to my boyfriend and demanded pictures. Lots of them.
The result was less than satisfying as I would expect. I cried. Then I carried on zooming in and out on every single picture inspecting every inch of myself before I decided: 'I hate this picture but I'm going to post it anyway'. A first step to self-acceptance one might say.
I don't know.
What I'm aiming here for isn't self-love. Although that would be nice somewhere down the line. Instead I cannot wait for the day I will feel okay in my own skin, the day I won't feel physically sick when catching a glimpse of myself in a mirror, the day I won't feel anxious when trying on a pair of trousers, the day I am honest about what my body really looks like and that it's fine the way it is.